The first trimester

In the past when I day dreamed about being pregnant I had always imagined that I would breeze through, with no complications and I could even visualise myself waltzing about radiant with health and looking glamourous in floaty dresses. The reality was very different...On the nausea front morning sickness was mostly absent so I can't complain too much, however it never occurred to me that I might BLEED through most of my pregnancy. It was frightening. My whole life has been pretty much geared towards being a mother. I have never been particularly ambitious or career focused and really just wanted to have a family (well, and have fun, I can't pretend that the hedonistic years of partying through my twenties didn't happen!!!). So the reality of a pregnancy that was fraught with complications and lengthy episodes of bleeding was devastating. It was as though my much longed for baby was trickling away and there was NOTHING that I could do about it. Every time I found blood on my knickers or on the toilet paper I would go into a tail spin making Doctor's appointments and booking ultrasounds. For some reason I felt that if I got to a doctor really quickly they might be able to prevent my beautiful baby from leaving me. The faith that I have in the medical profession is extraordinary and completely unjustified. (Bloody hell, my uncle is an OB and I constantly wonder how on earth he got through medical school. If he can anyone can. That is another story though.) I became obsessive about checking for blood. Even when I got up to go the loo in the middle of the night I would be squinting in the dark at the toilet paper trying to work out if there was blood. (Never buy patterned toilet paper when you are pregnant!) Each time it happened I would race off to the OB/hospital/ultrasound place wherever I could get an appointment. The tears of relief each time I saw that lovely little flashing light that represented the heart beating and the gorgeous chug chug chug noise it makes would fill me with joy. It was like the babywas chanting to me "I think I can, I think I can..." like the little engine that could. As I am writing this retrospectively and knowing you now and the place that you hold in my heart the thought that you might not be here makes my heart chill and fills me with fear. Nicholas you were meant to be a part of this world and I am so glad that we made it through those dreadful bleeding episodes together.